Metal Gear Solid 2: A 'Classic' Retelling
by DarkDude
Summary: The retelling of MGS2 with bits that didn't (and probably shouldn't) happen. Weird thoughts and stuff like that, with a bit of strangness on the side.


            Authors Note:  Well, after doing a MGS2 'Conversation' themed fic, I decided it would be too silly for the very serious game.  So, enjoy the new seriousness.  Or eat me.  

            Disclaimer:  Yes I own MGS2.  It's downstairs, if you would like to see it.  I also own FFX.  

            Authors Other Note:  Oh yeah, this is like, well, just read it.

            Setting:  Beginning of MGS2.

            Otacon:  "Dammit Snake, I've told you before.  You can't do back flips off of a bridge.  It's, it's just not right!  Save that sort of thing for, like, Spiderman.  Or to a lesser extent, Martha Stewart."

            Snake:  I'll do whatever I damn want to.  Like smoke.  I'll smoke.  

            *Snake takes out a cigarette and attempts to light it in the rain*

            Otacon:  Snake, don't be a fool.  You can't light a fire in the rain!

            Snake:  I'll do whatever I damn want to!  Watch.

            *Snake shields the lighter, and attempts to light the lighter*

            Otacon:  Snake, be careful!

            *Snake lights it, grins, and then realizes his arm is on fire*

            Otacon:  Damn it, I told you those suits are extremely flammable!  And to think, all those kids stitching it so it just fits you, and you burn it to pieces.  Shame on you, Snake.

            Snake:  OTACON I'M ON FIRE!!!

            Otacon:  Hmph.  Just wait, the fire will put it out.  But don't forget to put on some burn cream, or then you'll say "Ow!" whenever your burn touches anything and you'll alert a guard.  Oh yeah, don't stand out in the rain either, or then you'll need cold medicine.

            Snake:  Otacon, shut up.  

            Otacon:  Can do, Snake!

            Snake:  Holy shit...This suit makes my ass look enormous...

            Otacon:  Well, Snake, are you going to do anything?

            *Snake is already opening the door, but twists too hard and the wheel thing comes off*

            Snake:  Whoops...Well, super-glue will just fix that up.

            Otacon:  Dog gone-it Snake, now you're going to have to go the way with the guard.

            *Snake crawls around the wall, then jumps out at the guard*

            Snake: BOO!

            Guard: **!**

            *Snake pops the guard and throws him off the boat*

            Otacon:  Was that really necessary?  He had a wife and kids, you know.  And the whole purpose of this mission is to _avoid_ killing people, you sick, sick little man.

            Snake:  Hey, be thankful I didn't kill you.  Oh God how I hate nerds...

            Otacon:  I'm not a nerd!  I have a life, I swear!  I lost my virginity!  _You_ are still a virgin!

            Snake:  I'd rather do my hand then do my step mom...

            Otacon:  Hmph.  Oh yeah, my stepsister just happened to e-mail this info to me.

            Snake:  What info?

            Otacon:  That there is a _Metal Gear_ in this ship.  What are the odds, a Metal Gear inside a Metal Gear game...

            *Snake cocks his gun*

            Snake:  The usual?  Blow it up, kill the bad guy, lose the hot chick?

            Otacon:  Not this time, this time you need to take pictures.

            Snake:  I'm not a pussy!  I want to blow it up!

            Otacon:  You can blow it up in two years.  For now, just take the damn pictures.

            Snake:  Hmph.  Fine.  

            *Snake opens the door and walks inside*

            Otacon:  Now Snake, be careful.  There are guards about, and since you choose extreme, you have like 50 for each corner.  They are all easy to take out, but if you want the dog tags...

            Snake:  #$*@^%@# I can get dog tags if I want to.  Now, shut up pant wetter, and leave me be.  

            *Snake turns off the codec*

            Snake:  Hm, now what do we have here...?

            *Looks at the tranquilizer gun and shoots it off a wall for fun*

            Snake:  Heeeey no sound!  Excellent!

            *Guard hears the little 'ping'*

            Guard:  **?** Huh?

            *Guard turns around to a kick in the ground, and a shot to the head*

            Snake:  Haha, that was fun. 

            *Snake picks up the guard and shakes him for loose items*

            *A porno magazine falls out, and Snake picks it up and stores it in...well, he stores it*

            Snake:  Hm, I wonder if I can knock down one of those lockers over there.

            *Snake bangs the locker, the door falls down and a pin-up is on the door*

            Otacon:  Snake, hey, pay attention to the damn mission!

            *Snake turns away from the corner*

            Snake:  ...What'd you say?  Man, I need to find a sink.

            Otacon:  Ew...

            Snake:  I cut myself on the damn door!

            Otacon:  Too late now, Snake.  I just peed my pants.

            Snake:  Hey, that pin-up wasn't too bad...

            Otacon:  ...Snake, don't tell me you humped it.

            Snake:  Hey, I slipped.

            Otacon:  And I always thought you were gay...

            Snake:  What?!  Why??

            Otacon:  Well you are like, forty-something and you're still a virgin...

            Snake:  I'm waiting for the right woman!

            Otacon:  Or man.

            Snake:  WOMAN...Speaking of them, I spy a hairy woman outside the window...

            Otacon:  Well, by the looks of it, she's Russian, and that means nothing.

            Snake:  Who are you?

            Olga:  I am Olga!

            Snake:  You suck!  Shave your damn armpits!

            Olga:  You have insulted my family honor, you blank shooter!  A fight!  

            *Olga throws a knife that bounces on the ground, then slips and shoots out a light*

            Snake:  Ha, take this!

            *Snake lobs over a can of shaving cream and a razor*

            Olga:  ...N...no! 

            *Olga slumps down over a rail*

            Snake:  Hey, I just realized her shirts getting pretty wet.  Yup...She'd better come inside before its completely see thr--...Too late...

            Otacon:  Hey Snake, that's not polite!

            *Snake averts his eyes shamefacedly*

            Snake:  Yeah yeah...

            Otacon:  Wow...she's not wearing a bra either...

            *Snake looks around then spies the codec with a little camera on it and snaps it off*

            Otacon:  Aw Snake, you're no fun.

            Snake:  Okay...anyways, I just found this gun she's been using at me.  And, it has a flashlight on it...for some reason.  Oh yeah, I also can see her...

            Otacon: ...

            Snake:  I mean, I think I hear a guard coming!

            *Snake runs away, slips on the wet floor and slams into a pile of boxes*

            Snake:  Boxes!  Sweet!

Authors Note:  I'm praying to God that this is funny, because if it isn't then well, then I will find out I have no life.  Oh yeah, more later.  And one more thing:  Snake isn't gay...or is he?!


End file.
